It's Almost Like Depression

Battling the demons of unfulfilled expectations

What the f—?

What the f—?

What more can I say, really? Do you know this feeling?

I finished a marathon waaaaaaaaaayyyyy off my goal; waaaaaaaayyyy off relative to the work I put in, the shape I know I’m in. After waiting soooooo long to finally achieve what I know I’m capable of; even that but a steppingstone to higher goals. Pouring salt into the wound, my adductor (?) and knee discomfort live on, and on.

I’ve taken extra days off running, more than I’d like, and that’s just thrown me off—physically, mentally, emotionally. When I do run, I’ve tried to not be fixated on the discomfort, trying to convince myself it’s just some irritation, but it’s gotten to me.

How can I get it all back together?

I mean, so I no longer feel like Young Jason?

First, I spent months training consistently with short-term and long-term goals front and center. I micromanaged the training, building up slowly but surely. Adding in more core work. HIIT workouts now and then. Indoor cycling to build up quads and hammys. Trying to be conscientious about strengthening. As I like to tell folks around me: “Prehab is better than rehab.”

I guess it all started with that swollen knee months back, but I’m pretty sure that was my left knee which isn’t really even bothering me much now. A little “runner’s knee” now and then is a small price to pay.

Never even felt it in the right knee. But by 8k in the marathon I was feeling a grating at top of right quad/adductor area. Like it was rubbing raw. All the miles, the long runs, the final great marathon pacing workouts I’d had recently, and I never felt that. Soon thereafter, the knees began burning. Crazy like. Never felt that in my runs either. In fact, it was like a brand new feeling—like candle flames were burning very close to the kneecaps, too close for comfort.

Not good to feel that in the first 10k of a 42.2k “race,” soon-cum-fun run-yet not so fun.

I’m not even going to rehash the whole run here. Darn it.

I was in Italy and soon enroute to the Kentucky USA homeland so what happened was regrettable but not catastrophic. It was but the opening of a wondrous 4.5 weeks long adventure.

Mom soon told me to just think of it as a running tour; yes, a tour through the countryside of Italy’s Parma region. Granted, I went in ready, ready to actually race. More ready than I’ve been in a while for a marathon—and with good weather conditions on a mostly flat course (with a cheeky 13th kilometer on gravel through an actual farm field which was really cool). But yes, it would henceforth be thought of as a tour.

And I did get to visit some cool places in opera composer Verdi’s homeland. Too bad for some unknown reason (which no one else seemed to take notice of) we never ran through Verdi’s actual home as the race course usually goes. That was merely a major selling point for me in joining this particular marathon, seeing the promotional pic of a runner racing through a long carpeted corridor within a historic home.

And it was the only race I’ve ever been to that served us each a heaping plate of steaming hot pasta afterwards, vegan marinara option included.

[I did NOT partake of the giant block of the region’s namesake cheese offered; see background for giant cheese wheel.]

We’ve all had bad races; disappointing ones. But I really was expecting more from this one. Dejected feelings could have overwhelmed me if I couldn’t find ways to pull back from the brink.

The stop off two days later at the 1952 Olympic Stadium in Helsinki helped salve my wounds a bit. My Air BNB was a mere two blocks from here.

Nothing like some snow to improve my mood.

Some positivity, too

Being Finland, it’s only proper the Olympic Stadium lobby has this advertisement for one of the world’s greatest bands…

So, what the f do I do now? (besides distracting myself with Iron Maiden adverts)

Back in Shanghai after the February-March adventure dubbed “Christmas Dreams,” my right knee and left adductor still bother me. I took the week off after the marathon. I’ve done the extra stretching. I’ve worn patches and magnets on my knee (although not so consistently). Foam rolling. Stick. Some cupping. Now back with my electric massage gun. Another couple of extra days off to spend time with this delightful fellow—cousin T—in LA:

We lived The Disneyland Dream.

We did.

We co-piloted the Millennium Falcon through hyperspace.

We pushed the limits of human endurance.

We went where so few have ever dared to tread.

(slight melodrama)

T, Jeff & I walked amongst those stars. We sauntered along the periphery of the famed Chinese Theater. Cary Grant, Kobe Bryant, Robin Williams among us.

Darn it, I should be riding high.

And yet, at times since my return I’ve felt low.

At times, I’ve felt downright anti-social. I’m never quite extroverted but not usually feeling quite so separated.

Is it a deliberate choice or is disappointment overcoming me?

When will my training finally pay off? When will the body mend?

Just before my return to Shanghai, I ran partially up this mountain overlooking Glendale, California. That mountain in the near background is the rear of the setting for the famed HOLLYWOOD sign. Hollywood only around 9 miles away from this point. Walt Disney Imagineering a straight shot towards the mountain, right there in Glendale.

I ran it on my adductor, my knee. And it was not so bad, actually.

Still, the disappointment burned.

Yet

Running is always a blessing.

The dreams, they are still so close. Not lost.

In despondency there lies hope; if but a glimmer.

So, what’s the way out?

I don’t know. But I have an idea.

Gratitude for being so fortunate.

For whom much is given much is expected in return.

Can I live up to that?

The day after my return—at Fortunate Vegan Cafe, Shanghai:

I mean, isn’t it better to focus on gratitude, blessings, to be thankful, hopeful?

Perhaps better than always looking over my shoulder, waiting for this guy’s ax to fall

Be on the lookout:

Podcast episode 2 will be published in near future (1-2 weeks).